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Walks ยท one sitting, about 14 min

Afraid of becoming them

For the part of you that is afraid of turning into your own parent. Notice how you feel toward it, thank it for the watch it keeps, and let it know what is different now.

13 steps, drawn from 18 books on IFS.

A draft: every passage it quotes is in its book, but its own wording has not yet been checked against them.

Read every step first
  1. This stays with the part that is afraid. For the fear that you will turn into your own parent: the sharp tone you hear coming out of your mouth, the flash of them in the mirror. This walk stays with the part that is afraid of it. If a younger part shows itself under that, you can leave it for another day. You can stop at any point.
  2. Land first. Sit in a way you can stay in. Eyes open or closed, your choice, and you can change it. Notice what is holding you up: the seat under you, the floor under your feet.
  3. Turn toward your part. Turn toward the part that watches you for signs of it. Where do you notice it, inside your body or near it? What does it say when it catches you? Sometimes it sounds a lot like the parent. If it does, notice that and leave it there; it is a part of you that took on that way of talking.
  4. Say it as a part. Take one thing it says or does and put it another way. Not 'I sound just like them', but 'a part of me says I sound just like them'. This is not a verdict on whether it is right. It only opens a little space: there is you, noticing, and there is the part, talking.
  5. Why it keeps watch. A part that guards against becoming your parent is often a protector with a job: keeping you from handing on what you were handed. It is working hard. That does not make it right about you, and it is not today's question.
  6. How do you feel toward it? Not how the part feels, and not whether it was right: how do you feel toward it? Other parts often answer first: one is ashamed, one is angry at it, one believes it. Pick what is true, not what sounds right. This answer decides what comes next.
  7. Let it know you are listening. Let it know, inside, that you can see how hard it works. You can see that without agreeing with what it did. Ask whether it has something to tell you, and wait without answering for it. If nothing comes, that is an answer too.
  8. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it stopped keeping watch. Wait for its answer, rather than guessing it.
  9. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: snapping at your child, a mistake you cannot take back. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that lived through the original and still believes it. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  10. What it fears you would hand on. Ask the part what it is afraid you would hand on to your child. Write it as the part says it. Noticing the fear is enough for today.
  11. Let it know who you are now. If it feels honest, thank it for trying to keep your child safe from what you knew. Then tell it what is different now: you are the grown-up here, and when you slip, you can repair. Acknowledge the job it took on back then, and notice how it reacts, without pushing.
  12. How loud is it now? On the same scale as at the start. If it dropped, notice that. If it did not, that is fine too: you sat with it instead of pushing it along.
  13. Before you go. Thank any part that came forward or made room, if that feels true. If you mean to come back, tell them so. When you are ready, come back to the room: feel your feet and look around. If it gets loud again later, you can say it the same way: a part of me is saying...
  14. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. This is the part to get to know today, whether it is the part that got loud or a part reacting to it. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it gave you some room. Wait for its answer rather than thinking one up.
  15. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: snapping at your child, a mistake you cannot take back. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that lived through the original and still believes it. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  16. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you saw it and will not forget it. Today is not the day to go to it. If you want, jot a note so you can find your way back. You can thank the part for showing you what it guards.
  17. Ask for a little room. Turn toward whichever part answered just now. Ask whether it would give you a little room for a few minutes, so you can meet it. It does not have to leave. If the part that answered is scared or ashamed, it could wait somewhere safe and quiet, out of earshot. Or you could picture it staying put in a comfortable room with a window, while you talk to it through the glass.