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Before it happens

Before a hard conversation: notice which of your protectors stir, ask them ahead of time whether they would trust you to lead and what they fear if they did, and get ready to speak for them rather than from them.

10 steps, drawn from 15 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. For a conversation coming up. This walk is for before a hard conversation that is coming up. Ahead of time, you talk with your own protectors about it: whether they would trust you to handle it, and what they are afraid would happen if they did. This walk works with the parts that protect you. If a younger part shows up, you can put it somewhere safe and come back to it another time, once its protectors are willing.
  2. Get comfortable. Take a second to get comfortable. If a few deep breaths help you settle, take them. Your eyes can stay open, or rest closed if that feels better.
  3. The conversation coming up. Bring to mind the hard conversation that is coming up. Keep it specific: this one conversation.
  4. Which parts stir. When you think about having this conversation, what comes up? Notice which parts stir, and what their concerns are. It might come as words, a sensation, a feeling or an image.
  5. How do you feel toward it? Not how the part feels. How you feel toward the part. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right, because this answer decides what comes next.
  6. What you want from it. What do you want to come out of this conversation? And is this part likely to get you there?
  7. Would it let you lead? Ask the part whether it is willing to trust you to handle this conversation. It does not have to go away. It can stay someplace nearby, so it can step in if anything is needed.
  8. Speaking for it, not from it. See if it would be open to letting you speak for it in the conversation, instead of letting it take over. If it is, see if you can put its concern into words you could say for it, such as "A part of me is worried that..." or "I have a part who wants you to know..." To speak for a part you have to separate from it to some degree, so what you say does not carry the same charge as speaking from it.
  9. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A drop is worth noticing, and no change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  10. Before you go. Thank the part you got to know, and any parts that stepped back or let you know they were afraid. Let them know this was not their last chance: you plan to come back, so only say that if you mean it. Then bring your attention back out. Feel your feet, look around the room you are in, and take a breath or two if that helps.
  11. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the first one. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  12. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  13. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  14. What it would need. Ask it what it might need so it does not have to come on so strong in this conversation. What does it think needs to happen for it to trust you to take the lead?
  15. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  16. Stopping here is allowed. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  17. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward the part that does not like the first one. Ask it whether it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes, so you can get to know the first part. It does not have to leave. If it worries the first part will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.
  18. What it is afraid would happen. Ask it what it is afraid would happen in this conversation if it let you lead. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.