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Walks · one sitting, about 13 min

Rules about feelings

For the part that shuts feelings down by a rule it learned, like toughen up or don't cry: ask it about its rule and where it picked it up, without arguing with it, and hear what it fears would happen if a feeling showed.

14 steps, drawn from 18 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. This is for a part that keeps a rule. This is for a part that keeps feelings down by a rule it learned: toughen up, boys don't cry, just get over it, don't talk about feelings. This walk asks it about its rule. It does not argue with the rule or ask the part to give it up. If a younger part shows itself, you can let it know you noticed it and come back another time.
  2. Land first. Sit in a way you can stay in for a while. Your eyes can stay open or rest closed, whichever feels better, and you can change your mind. Notice what is holding you up: the seat under you, the floor under your feet.
  3. Breath, or the room. If a few slower breaths help, take them. If paying attention to your breath makes things worse, look around the room instead. None of this is meant to change the rule. It can stay as it is.
  4. Find the rule. Bring to mind a rule about feelings that you carry: about crying, showing weakness, getting angry, or asking for help. It might be words you heard growing up, or only a sense of what is not done. Notice what comes up when you think of a feeling you were not supposed to show.
  5. Find the part that keeps it. See if you can find the part that keeps this rule, in or around your body. It may be the one that clamps down when a feeling starts: in the jaw, the chest, the breath.
  6. How do you feel toward it? Not how the part feels. How you feel toward it. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right. This answer decides what comes next.
  7. Ask about its rule. Let it know you are not here to argue with its rule, or to talk it out of it. Ask what it would like you to know about the rule, and wait for its answer rather than thinking one up.
  8. Where it picked it up. If it feels all right, ask whether the rule started with this part, or whether it picked it up somewhere: from family, from friends at school, from the culture around you. A word or a name is enough. There is no need to go into the history.
  9. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it is afraid would happen if the rule slipped and a feeling showed. Wait for its answer rather than guessing it.
  10. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: being shamed, being seen as weak, losing someone. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt for showing a feeling and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  11. Thank it, if that is honest. If it feels true, thank it for keeping its rule all this time. It may have served you well, and the rule can stay. See whether it knows your age. If it seems to think you are still young, you might tell it how old you are now, and notice how it reacts.
  12. How strong is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A change is worth noticing. No change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  13. Give it a name, if one comes. A name can help you notice it sooner next time, before it pulls you all the way in. Any name will do. If none comes, leave it blank.
  14. Before you go. Thank the part that keeps the rule, and any part that stepped back, for being with you, whether or not it told you anything. Let it know you plan to come back, only if you mean it. When you are ready, return to the room: feel your feet and look around. If the rule speaks up later, you can notice it as a part speaking.
  15. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the part that keeps the rule. Wait for its answer, instead of thinking one up.
  16. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it and will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note so you can come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  17. Stopping here is allowed. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  18. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward whichever part answered just now. Ask if it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes, so you can meet the part that keeps the rule. It does not have to leave. If it worries the part that keeps the rule will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.