parts cowork home
SettingsDevices and sharingSave & restoreYour data: copy, restore, forget
About parts cowork
Help

In danger, or thinking about harming yourself? Stop here and talk to a person.

Call or text 988 (US)findahelpline.com, any country
Feeling far away? Back to the roomA quick look aroundReview the walksFor helpersWhat this is, and is notPrivacyWho made this

Explore a sample system

Walks ยท one sitting, about 13 min

When you go quiet

For when you shut down or go quiet in an argument or a hard moment with someone: find the part that does it, get to know it as a protector, and hear what it fears would happen if it let you stay.

14 steps, drawn from 16 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. This is for the part that goes quiet. This is for the part that goes flat or silent when things get hard with someone: in an argument, when you feel criticized, when someone wants more than you can give. This walk gets to know it as a protector. It does not ask you to speak up, and it does not ask the part to stop. If going quiet is how you stay safe with someone right now, its job may still be a vital one.
  2. Land first. Sit in a way you can stay in for a while. Your eyes can stay open or rest closed, whichever feels better, and you can change your mind. Notice what is holding you up: the seat under you, the floor under your feet.
  3. Breath, or the room. If a few slower breaths help, take them. If paying attention to your breath makes things worse, look around the room instead. None of this is meant to change the quiet part. It can stay as quiet as it is.
  4. Find the quiet. Bring to mind a time you went quiet with someone. Pick one that is not too intense; a recent one is fine. You only need the moment it came down, not the whole story. See if you can notice where it shows up in your body: a set jaw, a held chest, a heaviness, or nothing much at all.
  5. What it is like inside. Leave the other person aside for now, and turn your attention to you. Quiet on the outside is not always quiet inside. Notice what it is like in there while the part keeps you quiet: still, blank, or busy underneath.
  6. How do you feel toward it? Not how the quiet part feels. How you feel toward it. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right. This answer decides what comes next.
  7. What is it trying to do for you? Ask what it is trying to do for you when it shuts things down. Wait for its answer. Do not answer for it.
  8. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you stay: present, in the conversation, with whatever you feel. Wait for its answer rather than guessing it.
  9. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: more criticism, a fight that gets bigger, saying something you cannot take back. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  10. Your half of a pattern. Between two people, one protector often sets off the other. One goes quiet, the other gets louder, and each move brings on the next. Both end up more guarded and less close. The quiet part is your half of that, doing the job it knows.
  11. Thank it, if that is honest. If it feels true, let it know you appreciate how hard it has tried to protect you, and that it is not alone with this. See how it reacts. If you do not feel that, that is okay. You can try another time.
  12. How strong is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A change is worth noticing. No change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  13. Give it a name, if one comes. A name can help you notice it sooner next time, before it pulls you all the way in. Any name will do. If none comes, leave it blank.
  14. Before you go. Thank it, and any part that stepped back, for being with you, whether or not it told you anything. Let it know you plan to come back, only if you mean it. When you are ready, return to the room: feel your feet and look around.
  15. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the quiet one. Wait for its answer, instead of thinking one up.
  16. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it and will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note so you can come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  17. Stopping here is allowed. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  18. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward whichever part answered just now. Ask if it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes, so you can meet the quiet one. It does not have to leave. If it worries the quiet one will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.