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Walks ยท one sitting, about 15 min

The one who holds it together

For the caretaker part that looks after everyone and keeps it all together: get to know it as a protector, hear what it fears would happen if it stopped, and ask what it would need to rest, without promising it anything.

14 steps, drawn from 15 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. For the one who keeps it all going. For the part of you that looks after everyone, keeps things running, and keeps going. This walk gets to know it as a protector. It does not ask it to stop, and it does not promise it rest. If a younger part shows up, you can come back to it another time.
  2. Land first. Sit in a way you can stay in for a while. Your eyes can stay open or rest closed, whichever feels better, and you can change your mind. Notice what is holding you up: the seat under you, the floor under your feet.
  3. Breath, or the room. If a few slower breaths help, take them. If paying attention to your breath makes things worse, look around the room instead.
  4. Find the one who keeps it going. Bring to mind a recent time you were holding things together for other people. A small one is fine. You only need the moment, not the whole story. Where do you notice the part that was doing it: in your body, or near it? How hard is it working right now?
  5. What it does, in a sentence. Describe it in one sentence: what does it do, and for whom? Then notice what it brings, and whether it costs you anything. Both can be true at once.
  6. How do you feel toward it? Not how the caretaker feels. How you feel toward it. A part that looks after everyone can be easy to mistake for you. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right. This answer decides what comes next.
  7. Ask how it is doing. Let it know you are here. Then ask how it is doing, and whether it gets tired. Wait for its answer rather than thinking one up. If nothing comes, that is okay too. It may not know yet what you could offer it. That is fine.
  8. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it stopped holding everything together, even for a while. Wait for its answer rather than guessing it.
  9. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: things falling into chaos, letting people down, no one liking you. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you it has been looking after. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  10. Let it know who you are now. If it feels honest, thank it for how hard it has worked. See whether it knows how old you are. If it takes you for a child, you might tell it your age now, and notice how it takes that.
  11. What would it need? Ask it what it would need, to rest even a little. This is a question, not a promise. Wait for its answer. If nothing comes, that is okay too. It can keep its job. If it wants to, it can tell you what it would like to do instead.
  12. How strong is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A change is worth noticing. No change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  13. Give it a name, if one comes. A name can help you notice it sooner next time, before it pulls you all the way in. Any name will do. If none comes, leave it blank.
  14. Before you go. Thank it, and any part that stepped back, for being with you, whether or not it told you anything. Let it know you plan to come back, only if you mean it. When you are ready, return to the room: feel your feet and look around.
  15. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the caretaker. Wait for its answer, instead of thinking one up.
  16. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it and will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note so you can come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  17. You can stop here. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  18. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward whichever part answered just now. Ask if it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes, so you can meet the caretaker. It does not have to leave. If it worries the caretaker will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.