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Walks ยท one sitting, about 15 min

When their storm sets you off

For when your child's meltdown sets something off in you. Turn toward the part of you that got loud: notice how you feel toward it and listen for what it fears. Your child is not asked to do anything.

13 steps, drawn from 15 books on IFS.

A draft: every passage it quotes is in its book, but its own wording has not yet been checked against them.

Read every step first
  1. This stays with your part. For when your child's meltdown sets something off in you: the shout, the freeze, the rush to fix it, the urge to leave the room. This walk stays with your part. Your child is not asked to do anything, and you do not have to sort out what they needed. You can stop at any point.
  2. Land first. Sit in a way you can stay in. Eyes open or closed, your choice, and you can change it. Notice what is holding you up: the seat under you, the floor under your feet.
  3. Turn toward your part. Turn toward the part of you that got loud, rather than toward your child or what they did. Where do you notice it: inside your body, or somewhere near it? What does it do or say: shout, go cold, give in, fix, leave?
  4. Say it as a part. Take one thing it says or does and put it another way. Not 'I am a bad parent', but 'a part of me is saying I am a bad parent'. This is not a verdict on whether it is right. It only opens a little space: there is you, noticing, and there is the part, talking.
  5. What a quick reaction is often for. A part that jumps in on the spot is often a firefighter. It steps in fast to put out a feeling that is too much, and it is not trying to hurt anyone. Under a parent's reaction there is often a younger, more tender part. That one is not for today.
  6. How do you feel toward it? Not how the part feels, and not whether it was right: how do you feel toward it? Other parts often answer first: one is ashamed, one is angry at it, one believes it. Pick what is true, not what sounds right. This answer decides what comes next.
  7. Let it know you are listening. Let it know, inside, that you can see how hard it works. You can see that without agreeing with what it did. Ask whether it has something to tell you, and wait without answering for it. If nothing comes, that is an answer too.
  8. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it fears could happen if it eased off while your child is in the middle of a storm. Wait for its answer, rather than guessing it.
  9. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: losing control of the room, being judged as a parent, things getting worse. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that was frightened or shamed and still believes it. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  10. Let it know who you are now. If it feels honest, thank it for trying to protect you and your child, even though its way lands badly. See whether it knows your age. Some parts took their job on when you were small, and still act as if you are. You might tell it how old you are now, and something you can handle today that you could not then. Notice how it reacts, without pushing.
  11. Your child's part. Think of your child in the storm. Tantrums, hitting and yelling can be a child's firefighter part at work, as yours was. See whether you can tell the part of them that reacted from one that may be hurt under it. Hold what you come up with as a guess. Later, once they are calm, a child can talk about the part, rather than saying they are a terrible kid.
  12. How loud is it now? How loud is it now? A drop is worth noticing, and no change is fine too: you sat with it instead of pushing it along.
  13. Before you go. Thank any part that came forward or made room, if that feels true. If you mean to come back, tell them so. When you are ready, come back to the room: feel your feet and look around. If it gets loud again later, you can say it the same way: a part of me is saying...
  14. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. This is the part to get to know today, whether it is the part that got loud or a part reacting to it. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it gave you some room. Wait for its answer rather than thinking one up.
  15. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: losing control of the room, being judged as a parent, things getting worse. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that was frightened or shamed and still believes it. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  16. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you saw it and will not forget it. It can wait for another day. If you want, jot a note so you can find your way back. You can thank the part for showing you what it guards. That is enough for one sitting.
  17. Ask for a little room. Turn toward whichever part answered just now. Ask whether it would give you a little room for a few minutes, so you can meet it. It does not have to leave. If the part that answered is scared or ashamed, it could wait somewhere safe and quiet, out of earshot. Or you could picture it staying put in a comfortable room with a window, while you talk to it through the glass.