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Walks ยท one sitting, about 12 min

When kindness lands wrong

Say one kind line to yourself and watch what flinches: the part that calls it soft or undeserved. Get to know that protector and what it fears kindness would do, then offer it a little warmth at its own pace. Self-compassion, through the parts.

13 steps, drawn from 16 books on IFS.

A draft: every passage it quotes is in its book, but its own wording has not yet been checked against them.

Read every step first
  1. Kind words can bounce. Some people say one kind thing to themselves and something inside pulls a face. It calls it soft, or says you have not earned it. A common worry is that kindness would make you stop trying. That reaction is usually a part with its reasons. This walk does not argue with it. It gets to know it slowly, the way you would let a stray cat come to you.
  2. Get comfortable. Get comfortable where you are, eyes open or closed. A few slow breaths if they help you land. If they do not, skip them and feel the seat under you.
  3. One kind line. Say one plain, kind line to yourself, inside. Something like: this has been a hard stretch, and I am doing what I can. If that one does not fit, use your own. Then watch the moment right after. If the breathing does not help today, skip it.
  4. And right after? Pick the closest. There is no wrong answer here.
  5. Find the one that pushed back. Turn toward whatever reacted. Where is it, in your body or near it? Has it got words, a face, a way of standing? Let it be exactly as unimpressed as it is.
  6. How do you feel toward it? Notice how you feel toward the part that pushed back. Not how it feels: how you feel toward it. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right, because this answer decides what comes next.
  7. What does it want you to know? Ask it what it wants you to know about kindness, and what it thinks it is doing for you when it pushes kindness away. Then wait for its answer rather than supplying one.
  8. What is it afraid kindness would do? Ask it: what are you afraid would happen if you let a little kindness in? Wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  9. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at someone younger in you who got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  10. Some warmth, at its pace. Do not repeat the kind line. Instead, notice whatever you feel toward this part now, some curiosity, maybe some warmth, and let that reach it from where you are. Come no closer than it allows. It does not have to take any.
  11. How does it take it? Watch how it responds, and let it answer for itself.
  12. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A drop is worth noticing, and no change is fine too: you listened to the part instead of overruling it.
  13. Before you go. Thank the part that pushed back, if you believe it was trying to help. Let it know you may come back, but only say so if you mean it. Then feel your feet on the floor, and let your eyes land on a couple of things in the room.
  14. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the first one. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  15. Then stay with it. Then stay with the line for a few breaths, and notice where it lands in your body. If a quieter part pipes up in the background with an opinion, say hello to it. It can have its turn another day. If the breathing does not help today, skip it.
  16. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, jot a note so you can find your way back later. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  17. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward the part that has strong feelings about this one. Ask if it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes. It can stay nearby. If it worries the first part will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.