parts cowork home
SettingsDevices and sharingSave & restoreYour data: copy, restore, forget
About parts cowork
Help

In danger, or thinking about harming yourself? Stop here and talk to a person.

Call or text 988 (US)findahelpline.com, any country
Feeling far away? Back to the roomA quick look aroundReview the walksFor helpersWhat this is, and is notPrivacyWho made this

Explore a sample system

Walks ยท one sitting, about 7 min

Lend them your calm

A child leans on an adult's calm before finding their own. Find your steadiness first, check how a part of you feels about their upset, then bring that steadiness to your child. They are not asked to do anything.

10 steps, drawn from 19 books on IFS.

A draft: every passage it quotes is in its book, but its own wording has not yet been checked against them.

Read every step first
  1. Yours first. A child usually cannot settle a big feeling alone. They lean on an adult's calm first, and that calm has to be real. So this walk starts with yours. You find something steady in yourself, then bring it to your child. You can stop at any point.
  2. Settle. Sit or lie however suits you, eyes open or closed. If breathing helps today, breathe slowly into your belly a few times, then let it be. If not, skip it.
  3. In, out, and the gap. Feel one breath come in. Feel it go out. Rest in the little gap before the next one, and again. Your attention will wander off; when you notice, come back as if nothing happened, because nothing did. If the gap makes a part nervous, skip it and just follow the breath.
  4. It has always come back. Notice what the breath is like: steady, and there when you need it. It has come back every single time, all your life, without being asked. Lean on that for a minute. That steadiness is the steady, kind core of you.
  5. Picture your child upset. Picture your child upset, right now, as clearly as you can. Notice what comes up in you. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right.
  6. Be there, with no plan. When you are with your child, let your steadiness be there first, before any words or any plan. Meet them with presence, not strategy. Your steadiness is there for them to lean on.
  7. A few words. If words come, keep them few and plain, words you could say to your child, and to the part in you: I know. I'm here. Or whatever it seems to need to hear, if it is true. Sitting beside them can be enough.
  8. How was that, in you? Notice how it was inside you, not only how they responded. The steadiness is yours either way.
  9. How loud is it now? On the same scale as at the start. If it dropped, notice that. If it did not, that is fine too: you sat with it instead of pushing it along.
  10. Before you go. If a part came, thank it for sitting with you, and thank any part that made room. If you plan to do this again, tell it so, and only then. Take a couple of bigger breaths, feel the seat under you, and look around you.
  11. Then both can sit up front. Then the part that reacted can stay beside you. Neither of you has to leave. You will bring your steadiness to your child with that part nearby.
  12. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you saw it and will not forget it. It can wait for another day. If you want, jot a note so you can find your way back. That is enough for one sitting.
  13. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward the part that is reacting to your child's feeling. Ask if it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes. It can stay nearby. If it worries your child's feeling will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.