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Is this mine?

With a protector that holds a strong belief: ask whether it came from your own life or from family or culture, notice how much of it may not be yours, and stop there.

12 steps, drawn from 19 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. This is for a part that holds a belief. This walk is for a protector that holds a strong belief: about your worth, about other people, or about safety. You ask it whether that belief came from your own life, or was passed down from your family or the culture you grew up in, and you notice how much of it may not be yours. Then you stop there, with a note to come back to. It does not ask the part to change. This walk works with the parts that protect you. If a younger part shows up, you can put it somewhere safe and come back to it another time, once its protectors are willing.
  2. Get comfortable. Take a second to get comfortable. If a few deep breaths help you settle, take them. Your eyes can stay open, or rest closed if that feels better.
  3. Find the belief, and the part. Bring to mind a strong belief that shapes your life: about your worth, about other people, or about safety. If nothing comes, try finishing a sentence that starts "People are" or "I am", and notice what you hear back. Then see if you can find the part that holds that belief, in or around your body. It may come as words, a sensation, a feeling or an image.
  4. How do you feel toward it? Not how the part feels. How you feel toward the part. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right, because this answer decides what comes next.
  5. Get to know it. Let it know you would like to get to know it, and the belief it holds. You are not asking it to change in any way. Ask if there is something it wants you to know about this belief, then wait for an answer rather than thinking one up.
  6. Is this mine? Now ask it whether this belief comes from your own life, or from other people: your family, or the culture you grew up in. Do your best not to think up the answer. Just wait and see if anything comes. You might not get an answer, and if nothing comes, that is okay too.
  7. Where did it point? Which is closest to what came? A belief can be all your own, all passed down, or some of each.
  8. How much may not be yours? Ask it one more question: what percent of this belief belongs to someone else? Write down what you hear, without censoring it or thinking it through. The answer can be anything from all of it to none.
  9. How it takes that. Notice how the part is responding. Ask if there is something else it wants you to know, then wait rather than thinking an answer up. If nothing comes, that is okay too.
  10. A note to come back to. If it answered, thank it, and let it know you will check in with it again. You are not asking it to change anything today. If it is true for you, let it know you want to help it with what it carries, if you can. Write down what you noticed, so you can come back to it.
  11. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A drop is worth noticing, and no change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  12. Before you go. Thank the part you got to know, and any parts that stepped back or let you know they were afraid. Let them know this was not their last chance: you plan to come back, so only say that if you mean it. Then bring your attention back out. Feel your feet, look around the room you are in, and take a breath or two if that helps.
  13. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the first one. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  14. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  15. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  16. Stopping here is allowed. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  17. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward the part that does not like the first one. Ask it whether it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes, so you can get to know the first part. It does not have to leave. If it worries the first part will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.