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Walks ยท one sitting, about 14 min

The parenting you got

For how you were parented, as it lives on in your parts. Meet one protector that picked up a way of coping, notice how you feel toward it, and listen for its fear. The young one under it waits.

13 steps, drawn from 18 books on IFS.

A draft: every passage it quotes is in its book, but its own wording has not yet been checked against them.

Read every step first
  1. Parts that learned from how you were raised. For the ways you were parented that live on in you: the rule you were raised on, the voice that sounds like a parent, the way you flinch or grip when your own child is upset. This walk stays with one protector that picked up a way of coping. The young one under it is not for today. You can stop at any point.
  2. Land first. Sit in a way you can stay in. Eyes open or closed, your choice, and you can change it. Notice what is holding you up: the seat under you, the floor under your feet.
  3. Turn toward your part. Think of one way you deal with feelings, yours or your child's, that you learned at home: 'stop crying', keep everything in order, go quiet, push through. Turn toward the part that does it. Where do you notice it, and what does it say or do?
  4. Say it as a part. Take one thing it says or does and put it another way. Not 'stop crying', but 'a part of me says stop crying'. This is not a verdict on whether it is right. It only opens a little space: there is you, noticing, and there is the part, talking.
  5. A way it learned. A part like this took on a job in the family you grew up in, and often took on the family's way of doing it. A critical part that sounds like a parent is still a part of you, with its own reason for the job. That makes it something to get to know, not something to blame. It is not today's question whether the way it learned is right.
  6. How do you feel toward it? Not how the part feels, and not whether it was right: how do you feel toward it? Other parts often answer first: one is ashamed, one is angry at it, one believes it. Pick what is true, not what sounds right. This answer decides what comes next.
  7. Let it know you are listening. Let it know, inside, that you can see how hard it works. You can see that without agreeing with what it did. Ask whether it has something to tell you, and wait without answering for it. If nothing comes, that is an answer too.
  8. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it fears could happen if it let go of the way it learned. Wait for its answer, rather than guessing it.
  9. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: a child out of control, the house falling apart. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that was hurt the way this protector was set up to prevent. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  10. Whose way it learned. Think of how this part talks or acts. Whose way does it sound like: a mother's, a father's, someone else who raised you? It is a part of you that learned that way and took it on, not the parent. They were shaped by their own experiences too. You do not have to excuse them.
  11. How loud is it now? On the same scale as at the start. If it dropped, notice that. If it did not, that is fine too: you sat with it instead of pushing it along.
  12. Care that is real. Some day you may meet the young one under this part. When you do, the care has to be real, so that is not for today.
  13. Before you go. Thank any part that came forward or made room, if that feels true. If you mean to come back, tell them so. When you are ready, come back to the room: feel your feet and look around. If it gets loud again later, you can say it the same way: a part of me is saying...
  14. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. This is the part to get to know today, whether it is the part that got loud or a part reacting to it. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it gave you some room. Wait for its answer rather than thinking one up.
  15. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: a child out of control, the house falling apart. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that was hurt the way this protector was set up to prevent. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  16. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you saw it and will not forget it. Today is not the day to go to it. If you want, jot a note so you can find your way back. You can thank the part for showing you what it guards.
  17. Ask for a little room. Turn toward whichever part answered just now. Ask whether it would give you a little room for a few minutes, so you can meet it. It does not have to leave. If the part that answered is scared or ashamed, it could wait somewhere safe and quiet, out of earshot. Or you could picture it staying put in a comfortable room with a window, while you talk to it through the glass.