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Two parts pulling

When two parts pull opposite ways: one waits its turn while you hear the other, then they swap, and neither has to win.

18 steps, drawn from 14 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. This is for protectors. This walk works with the parts that protect you. If a younger part shows up, you can put it somewhere safe and come back to it another time, once its protectors are willing.
  2. Land first. A few slow breaths, only to arrive in the room you are in. This is not for pushing anything away. Whatever is loud can stay loud. Skip it if it does not help.
  3. Two parts pulling. Bring to mind something you keep going back and forth on, where one part of you pulls one way and another pulls the other. Speak up or keep the peace. Rest or push on. Spend or save. Notice the two sides, without picking one yet.
  4. Name one side. Which side feels louder right now? If one side is shaming the other for something it does, start with the shaming side, and count it as the louder one for this walk, even if it is quieter. Give it a name, if one comes: what it wants, or how it sounds. Any name will do.
  5. And the other side. Now the side pulling the other way. A name for it too, if one comes. If none does, leave it blank and carry on.
  6. One side waits its turn. Ask the other side whether it would go into a kind of waiting room for a few minutes, so you can listen to the louder one. Let it know it will have its turn with you too. See what it does.
  7. Hear the louder side. Turn toward it. Ask what it wants for you here, and what it is trying to do. Your job is not to take its side or argue with it. Only to listen.
  8. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it is afraid would happen if the other side took over and won. Wait for its answer rather than guessing it.
  9. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  10. Swap. Thank the louder side, and see if it will take a turn in the waiting room. Then invite the other side out, and let it know you are just as interested in it.
  11. Hear the other side. Ask this side the same: what it wants for you, and what it is trying to do. It may have been shouted down for a long time. Listen without siding.
  12. And what is this one afraid of? Ask it what it is afraid would happen if the louder side won. Wait for its answer.
  13. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a protector's fear is about now: the argument, the deadline, being let down again. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  14. How do you feel toward the two of them? Not how they feel about each other. How you feel toward both of them, now that each has been heard.
  15. With you in the middle. If both sides seem settled, see if each would be willing to talk to the other directly, with you there to keep it respectful. You are not taking a side, only helping them hear each other. If either one does not want to, that is fine: skip it.
  16. Advisors, not deciders. Ask them both whether they would be willing to give you their input on this kind of choice in the future, and then trust you to make the call. They would be more like advisors than the ones who have to decide alone.
  17. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A drop is worth noticing, and no change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  18. Before you go. Thank both sides, and any part that waited its turn. Let them know this was not their last chance: you plan to come back, so only say that if you mean it. Then bring your attention back out. Feel your feet, look around the room you are in, and take a breath or two if that helps.
  19. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  20. Stopping here is allowed. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  21. The part that picked a side. Notice the part that wants one side to win. See if it would give you a little room, so the other side can be heard as fairly as the first. You do not have to settle anything today.