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Walks ยท one sitting, about 14 min

When help is offered to you

For the part that cannot receive care, kindness or help: picture saying yes to an offer, get to know the part that says no as a protector, and hear what it fears would happen if it let help in.

14 steps, drawn from 15 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. For the part that will not let help in. For when someone offers you care, kindness or a hand, and something in you says no. This walk gets to know that part as a protector. It does not ask you to accept anything. If a younger part shows up, you can come back to it another time.
  2. Land first. Sit in a way you can stay in for a while. Your eyes can stay open or rest closed, whichever feels better, and you can change your mind. Notice what is holding you up: the seat under you, the floor under your feet.
  3. Breath, or the room. If a few slower breaths help, take them. If paying attention to your breath makes things worse, look around the room instead.
  4. A time help was offered. Bring to mind a recent time someone offered you help or care. A small one is fine; you only need the moment it was offered. Now picture saying, "Yes, please. That would mean a lot." Notice what happens inside, and where you feel it.
  5. What it says about help. Listen for what it says about receiving. It may have a rule, like 'don't be selfish' or 'needing help is weak'. If it sounds like someone you know, notice that and leave it there. There is no need to go into the history behind it.
  6. How do you feel toward it? Not how the part that says no feels. How you feel toward it. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right. This answer decides what comes next.
  7. What is it trying to do for you? Ask what it is trying to do for you when it turns help away. Wait for its answer. Do not answer for it.
  8. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let the help in. Wait for its answer rather than guessing it.
  9. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: looking weak, owing something you cannot pay back. Sometimes it points at a more vulnerable part of you that feels small, or does not trust it is lovable. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  10. There is room for it. If it feels honest, thank it for looking out for you. It may ask what would happen to it if help got in. If it does, you can let it know it would not disappear. There is room for it too.
  11. What would it need? Ask what it would need from you before a little help could come closer. Wait for its answer. If nothing comes, that is okay too. It can keep saying no. This is only a question.
  12. How strong is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A change is worth noticing. No change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  13. Give it a name, if one comes. A name can help you notice it sooner next time, before it pulls you all the way in. Any name will do. If none comes, leave it blank.
  14. Before you go. Thank it, and any part that stepped back, for being with you, whether or not it told you anything. Let it know you plan to come back, only if you mean it. When you are ready, return to the room: feel your feet and look around.
  15. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the one that says no. Wait for its answer, instead of thinking one up.
  16. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it and will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note so you can come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  17. You can stop here. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  18. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward whichever part answered just now. Ask if it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes, so you can meet the one that says no. It does not have to leave. If it worries the one that says no will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.