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Walks ยท one sitting, about 10 min

Repair after you lost it

For after you lost it with your child. Meet the part that reacted, or the one that is hard on you now, then find a few plain words to bring them. A first try does not have to be good.

10 steps, drawn from 16 books on IFS.

A draft: every passage it quotes is in its book, but its own wording has not yet been checked against them.

Read every step first
  1. Getting ready to repair. For after you lost it with your child: raised your voice, said something sharp, gone cold. A repair comes later, and it does not have to be good. This walk gets you ready: first the part of you that did it, or the part that is hard on you now, then a few words for them. You can stop at any point.
  2. Land first. Sit in a way you can stay in. Eyes open or closed, your choice, and you can change it. Notice what is holding you up: the seat under you, the floor under your feet.
  3. Turn toward your part. Turn toward the part that is loudest in you now: the one that reacted, or the one that is hard on you for it. Where do you notice it, inside your body or near it? What is it saying?
  4. Say it as a part. Take one thing it says and put it another way. Not 'I am a terrible parent', but 'a part of me is saying I am a terrible parent'. This is not a verdict on whether it is right. It only opens a little space: there is you, noticing, and there is the part, talking.
  5. How do you feel toward it? Not how the part feels, and not whether it is right: how do you feel toward it? Other parts often answer first: one is ashamed, one believes it, one wants it to stop. Pick what is true, not what sounds right. This answer decides what comes next.
  6. It does not have to be good. What you do matters less than that you try. If your first try lands badly, you can try again. And it is never too late to repair, when it comes from care and is sincere.
  7. What it needs first. Before you find words for your child, turn inward first. Ask the part that reacted what it needs from you. Let it tell you before you move on.
  8. A few words for them. It can help a child to hear that the big reaction came from a part of you, not from them, and not from all of you. A repair can include saying the yelling came from a part of you ("I yelled; that was my big feeling"), saying sorry, and letting them know that part is getting attention. Short and plain is enough. If it feels right, you can approach them and offer a sincere apology.
  9. How loud is it now? On the same scale as at the start. If it dropped, notice that. If it did not, that is fine too: you sat with it instead of pushing it along.
  10. Before you go. Thank any part that came forward or made room, if that feels true. If you mean to come back, tell them so. When you are ready, come back to the room: feel your feet and look around. If it gets loud again later, you can say it the same way: a part of me is saying...
  11. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. This is the part to get to know today, whether it is the part that got loud or a part reacting to it. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it gave you some room. Wait for its answer rather than thinking one up.
  12. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: that you hurt or upset someone while a part had taken over. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that took the judgment in and concluded it was shameful. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  13. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you saw it and will not forget it. It can wait for another day. If you want, jot a note so you can find your way back. You can thank the part for showing you what it guards. That is enough for one sitting.
  14. Ask for a little room. Turn toward whichever part answered just now. Ask whether it would give you a little room for a few minutes, so you can meet it. It does not have to leave. If the part that answered is scared or ashamed, it could wait somewhere safe and quiet, out of earshot. Or you could picture it staying put in a comfortable room with a window, while you talk to it through the glass.