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It's okay to be sad

For a younger part whose sadness you have already noticed: ask the parts that guard it first, including the ones that keep you busy or numb the feeling, check how you feel toward it, and sit with its sadness together, telling it it is okay to be sad. If it feels right, your other parts can sit in a circle around you both. It ends by asking where it would like to wait until next time.

13 steps, drawn from 14 books on IFS.

A walk with a younger part. It starts by asking the parts that guard it, so it goes best once you have met one of them in Getting some room.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. For sadness that never had room. This walk is for a younger part whose sadness you have already noticed, sadness you could not hold before now. If the parts that guard it agree, you will sit with that sadness together for a few minutes. You do not need its story, and you are not here to fix it. You can stop on any step.
  2. Land first. Sit up or lie down, whichever is comfortable. Notice what holds you up: the seat or the bed, the floor under your feet. A slow breath or two can help, or skip it. Your eyes can stay open or rest closed.
  3. Bring it to mind. Bring to mind the younger part whose sadness you noticed before. Notice where it is, in your body or around it, without going any closer yet.
  4. Ask the ones who guard it. Notice what usually shows up when you are sad: a part that keeps you busy so there is no time to feel it, or one that swoops in with something numbing. Turn to them, and to any other guard near the younger one. Ask: may I sit with its sadness for a few minutes? Tell them you only want to be with it, and that you will ask it not to overwhelm you. Then wait for a clear yes. Going quiet is not a yes.
  5. How do you feel toward it? Not how the younger one feels: how do you feel toward it? Give the true answer rather than the kind one, because it decides what comes next.
  6. Just enough. Let the younger one know you are here, if that is true, and notice how it takes that. Ask it not to flood you with its sadness, so you can stay with it, feeling just enough. If it grows too strong, ask it to turn down the volume a little.
  7. It's okay to be sad. Tell the younger one, in your own words or in these: it's okay to be sad. Let it know you can handle what it feels, and that there is nothing to do but be together. It does not need to tell you a story. Then wait, and notice how it responds.
  8. Enough for today? If a part jumped in to distract you or pull you away, ask it to step back for now. Then notice whether this is enough for today; being with it can go on another time.
  9. A circle around you both. If it feels right, imagine your other parts sitting in a circle around you and the younger one. Tell each of them it's okay to be sad, and that you can hold what they feel as well. Notice how they respond.
  10. Anything you want to say? You may feel led to tell the younger one you are sorry: that you could not hold its sadness before now, and let other parts keep it locked away. If that is true for you, say it in your own words. Then notice how it responds.
  11. Where would it like to wait? Before you go, ask the younger one where it would like to wait until you come back, and let it choose. If it is true, tell it you will not forget it and will look in on it, and promise only what you will do. Then say goodbye for now.
  12. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. Louder, quieter or the same are all fine: sitting with a younger part's sadness can stir things up.
  13. Before you go. Thank the younger one for letting you sit with it, and thank the parts that made room, sat in the circle, or said not yet. Feel your feet, look around the room you are in, and take a breath or two if that helps, or skip it. Even when the guards seemed to agree, a part may act out afterward; that is not uncommon. If it does, try getting curious about it rather than fighting it.
  14. Back in the room first. Feel the seat or the floor under you and the walls of the room around you. Breathe slowly for a minute or two, or look around the room instead. You do not need to go back to the younger one today.
  15. Get to know the one that said not yet. That is fine. Today this part is the one to get to know. Ask it what it fears would happen if you sat with the younger one's sadness. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  16. Is it willing now? When it has said what it needed to, ask it once more whether you may sit with the younger one. Either answer is fine.
  17. Not today is an answer. When a part is not ready, stopping here is fine, and it does not mean you failed. It may need more time before it trusts you near the younger one. Thank the part that said no, and come back another day.
  18. Ask for a little room. Turn to whichever part answered just now. Ask if it would give you a little room for a few minutes, so you can be with the younger one. If it fears the younger one's sadness will be too much, tell it you can ask it not to overwhelm you.