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Walks ยท one sitting, about 12 min

Shame or guilt?

For when you feel bad about something you did: tell the shame that says 'I am bad' from the guilt that says 'I did something wrong', ask the shaming voice for some room, and hear what the guilt wants to put right.

14 steps, drawn from 12 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. Two kinds of feeling bad. For when you feel bad about something you did, or about who you are. Guilt says 'I did something wrong', and it points toward putting it right. Shame says 'I am bad', and it tends to make you hide. This walk helps you tell the two apart and listen to the guilt. You can stop at any point.
  2. Land first. Sit in a way you can stay in for a while. Your eyes can stay open or rest closed, whichever feels better, and you can change your mind. Notice what is holding you up: the seat under you, the floor under your feet.
  3. Breath, or the room. If a few slower breaths help, take them. If paying attention to your breath makes things worse, look around the room instead. None of this is meant to make the bad feeling go away. It can stay as it is.
  4. One thing you feel bad about. Bring to mind one thing you did that you feel bad about. Pick something you can stay near for a few minutes. There is no need to go over the whole story. A few words are enough.
  5. What goes on inside about it? Where do you notice the bad feeling: in your body, or as words? See if you can catch the words themselves. Some say 'I did something wrong'. Some say 'I am bad'. Some say both at once.
  6. Which is it? Which is closest to what you hear? More than one can be true, so pick the loudest.
  7. How do you feel toward it? Turn toward the part that feels guilty: the one that knows what was done and cares about it. How do you feel toward it? Pick what is true, not what sounds right. This answer decides what comes next.
  8. What does it want you to know? Let the guilty part know you are listening. You are not here to talk it out of what it feels. Ask what it wants you to know about what was done, and who it is concerned for. Wait, and let the answer come from it.
  9. What is it afraid of? Ask the guilty part what it is afraid would happen if it stopped doing what it does. Wait for its answer rather than guessing it.
  10. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: hurting someone again, or a hurt going unmended. Sometimes it points further back: a sense of being responsible for someone for as long as you can remember, or a younger part that believes it is bad. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  11. What would put it right? Ask the guilty part what it would like to do to put this right. Let it tell you, rather than deciding for it. If you want, imagine making that repair, and notice how it feels. If the harm cannot be undone, ask what might come close.
  12. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A drop is worth noticing. No change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  13. Give it a name, if one comes. A name can help you notice it sooner next time, before it pulls you all the way in. Any name will do. If none comes, leave it blank.
  14. Before you go. Thank the guilty part for what it let you see, and any part that gave you room. If you mean it, tell them you plan to come back. Come back out: feel your feet, look around the room. If the voice that says you are bad comes back later, you can notice it as a part: a part of me is saying I am bad.
  15. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the guilt. Wait for its answer, instead of thinking one up.
  16. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, or an old sense of being responsible, let it know you noticed it and will not forget it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back. You can thank the guilty part for showing you. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  17. You can stop here. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  18. Ask for a little room. Turn toward whichever part answered just now. Ask whether it would give you a little room for a few minutes, so you can hear the guilt. It does not have to leave.