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Walks ยท one sitting, about 13 min

The shamer and the shamed

For when one part of you shames another: notice both, let the one being shamed know it is seen and can wait somewhere safe, then get to know the one doing the shaming as a protector, without going to the hurt it is hard on.

14 steps, drawn from 12 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. Two parts, one at a time. For when one part of you is hard on another: a voice that shames, and the one it shames. Both matter. This walk lets the one on the receiving end know it is seen, then spends the time with the one doing the shaming, as a protector. You can stop at any point.
  2. Land first. Sit in a way you can stay in for a while. Your eyes can stay open or rest closed, whichever feels better. If a few slower breaths help, take them. If paying attention to your breath makes things worse, look around the room instead.
  3. Something you are hard on yourself about. Bring to mind one thing about yourself that you are hard on. Pick something you can stay near for a few minutes. A few words are enough. There is no need for the story behind it.
  4. Two of them. Notice that there are two here: one that judges, and one that gets judged. See how your body takes it. There may be shrinking, a kind of disgust, or a pull to think of anything else.
  5. Seen, and somewhere safe. Turn for a moment toward the one that gets judged. Without asking it anything, let it know you have noticed it and will not forget it. Then see if it would wait somewhere safe and quiet, out of earshot, while you get to know the one that judges.
  6. Find the one that judges. Now turn toward the one that judges. Where do you notice it: inside your body, or somewhere near it? What does it tend to say, and how: loud or quiet, cold, sharp, weary?
  7. How do you feel toward it? Not whether it is right: how do you feel toward the one that judges? Other parts often answer first: one believes it, one hates it, one shrinks under it. Pick what is true. This answer decides what comes next.
  8. What does it hope for you? Let the one that judges know you can see how hard it works. You can see that without agreeing with what it says. Ask what it hopes for you. Wait, and let the answer come from it.
  9. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it fears could happen if it eased off the other one and left it alone. Wait for its answer, rather than guessing it.
  10. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: getting something wrong, being judged, being left out. Sometimes it points further back, at the younger one it is hard on, and what that one still believes. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  11. If the other one got help. Ask the one that judges: if the one it is hard on could get help one day, would it still need to be this hard on it? And what would it rather do, if it did not have this job? Notice what comes, without holding it to an answer.
  12. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A drop is worth noticing. No change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  13. Give it a name, if one comes. A name can help you catch it sooner next time, before its words pull you all the way in. Name the part, not the insult: 'the one who keeps watch' or 'the Perfectionist' rather than 'Useless'. Any name will do, and if none comes, leave it blank.
  14. Before you go. Thank the one that judges for what it let you see, and any part that gave you room. If you mean it, let the one that waited somewhere safe know you plan to come back. Come back out: feel your feet, look around the room you are in, take a breath or two if that helps.
  15. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know, whether it is the one that judges or a part reacting to it. Ask what it is afraid would happen if it let you closer. Wait, and let the answer come from it rather than thinking one up.
  16. Seen, and not today. If the one it is hard on showed itself again, or something younger, let it know you noticed it and will not forget it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back. You can thank the one that judges for showing you what it guards. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  17. You can stop here. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  18. Ask for a little room. Turn toward whichever part answered just now. Ask whether it would give you a little room for a few minutes, so you can meet the one that judges. It does not have to leave. If it is the one being judged, it could wait somewhere safe and quiet, out of earshot.