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Walks ยท one sitting, about 13 min

Speaking up in the room

For the part that keeps you quiet in meetings or with a boss: get to know it as a protector, hear what it is afraid would happen if you spoke up, and ask what it would need before you try.

11 steps, drawn from 17 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. The one that keeps you quiet. For the part that holds you back when you want to speak up at work: in a meeting, with a boss, in a group. This walk gets to know it as a protector. It does not push it aside. A more vulnerable part can wait for another time.
  2. Steady first. Sit or stand in a way that feels steady. Notice what holds you up. A breath or two, if that helps.
  3. A time you held back. Bring to mind a time at work you held back: something you wanted to say and did not. You only need the moment. Where do you notice the part that held you back, in your body or near it?
  4. What it does. Describe it in one sentence: what does it do in that moment? Then notice what it gives you and what it costs. Both can be true.
  5. How do you feel toward it? Not how the one that holds you back feels. How you feel toward it. A part like this can be easy to mistake for you. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right. This answer decides what comes next.
  6. Ask what it wants you to know. Let it know you are here. Ask how it is doing, and what it would like you to understand about speaking up. Wait for its answer. If nothing comes, that is okay too.
  7. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it is afraid would happen if you spoke up. Wait for its answer rather than guessing it.
  8. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now: being judged, shamed or rejected. Sometimes it points further back, at a more vulnerable part of you it is protecting. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  9. What would it need? Ask what it would need before you speak: a plan, some preparation, a way to stay centred. This is a question, not a promise.
  10. How strong is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A change is worth noticing. No change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  11. Before you go. Thank it, and any part that stepped back, for being with you, whether or not it told you anything. Let it know you plan to come back, only if you mean it. When you are ready, return to the room: feel your feet and look around.
  12. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the one that holds you back. Wait for its answer, instead of thinking one up.
  13. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it and will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note so you can come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  14. You can stop here. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  15. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward whichever part answered just now. Ask if it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes, so you can meet the one that holds you back. It does not have to leave. If it worries the one that holds you back will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.