parts cowork home
SettingsDevices and sharingSave & restoreYour data: copy, restore, forget
About parts cowork
Help

In danger, or thinking about harming yourself? Stop here and talk to a person.

Call or text 988 (US)findahelpline.com, any country
Feeling far away? Back to the roomA quick look aroundReview the walksFor helpersWhat this is, and is notPrivacyWho made this

Explore a sample system

Walks ยท one sitting, about 11 min

The part that does not trust kindness

For the part that holds kindness at a distance: get to know it, hear what it is afraid would happen if it trusted, ask what would help it trust, and agree one small way to check back in. Self-compassion, at that part's pace.

10 steps, drawn from 14 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. When kindness is hard to trust. For a part that does not trust kindness, or does not trust it yet. This walk gets to know it and asks what would help it trust. It does not push kindness on it.
  2. Settle in. Settle in a way you can stay in. Eyes open or closed, and you can change your mind. Notice the chair at your back and the floor under your feet.
  3. Find the one that holds back. Focus on the part that holds back when kind words come, from someone else or from yourself. Where do you notice it, in your body or around your body?
  4. How do you feel toward it? Not how the one that does not trust kindness feels. How you feel toward it. A part like this can be easy to mistake for you. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right. This answer decides what comes next.
  5. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it trusted kindness. Wait for its answer rather than guessing it.
  6. Where did its answer point? Sometimes its fear is about now. Sometimes it points at a more vulnerable part of you that was not met with kindness. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  7. What would help it trust? Ask what would help it trust that kindness is safe. Wait for its answer. If nothing comes, that is okay too. Do not promise more than you can do.
  8. Check back in. Ask whether it wants you to come back to it soon, and when. See if it can name a time, so you can keep to it.
  9. How strong is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A change is worth noticing. No change is fine too: you know it better than you did.
  10. Before you go. Thank it for what it showed you, and any part that gave you room. If it asked for a check-in, remember when. If not, tell it you may come back, only if you mean it. Then return to the room: your feet, what you can see.
  11. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it let you get closer to the one that does not trust kindness. Wait for its answer, instead of thinking one up.
  12. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it and will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note so you can come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  13. You can stop here. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  14. Ask the other part for some room. Turn toward whichever part answered just now. Ask if it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes, so you can meet the one that does not trust kindness. It does not have to leave. If it worries the one that does not trust kindness will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.