parts cowork home
SettingsDevices and sharingSave & restoreYour data: copy, restore, forget
About parts cowork
Help

In danger, or thinking about harming yourself? Stop here and talk to a person.

Call or text 988 (US)findahelpline.com, any country
Feeling far away? Back to the roomA quick look aroundReview the walksFor helpersWhat this is, and is notPrivacyWho made this

Explore a sample system

Walks ยท one sitting, about 13 min

Before you hit send

For when a part needs to text someone close right now, after a conflict with a partner, friend or family member or into a silence: put the phone down, meet the part with its thumb on the button, and hear what it wants the message to do.

14 steps, drawn from 18 books on IFS.

A draft: every passage it quotes is in its book, but its own wording has not yet been checked against them.

Read every step first
  1. The message half typed. This is for the phone in your hand and the message you are about to send someone close. Maybe after a fight. Maybe because they have gone quiet. Maybe to someone who left. Nobody is telling you not to send it. First you meet the part that is in such a hurry. It takes about ten minutes, and the message will still be there.
  2. Put it down first. Tick these off as you do them. The phone can stay within reach, just not in your hand.
  3. Where the pull is. Notice the pull to send. Where is it? Thumbs, chest, jaw, shoulders? Hot, cold, quick, heavy?
  4. Say it as a part. Put it into a sentence: 'a part of me needs to send this right now, because...' and finish it. Notice there is the pull, and there is you, noticing the pull.
  5. Thumb off the button. Ask the part to loosen its grip a little. Not delete anything. Just take its thumb off the button for now, so the two of you can talk. It can take the phone back afterwards if it still wants to.
  6. Your feeling toward it. Not toward the person you are texting. Toward the part with its thumb on the button. Answer with what is true, since this answer picks the next step.
  7. What the message is for. Ask the part a question: what is this message meant to do? Not what it says. What it is for. To get an answer, to win, to be sure they are still there, to end the waiting? Then wait for its reply.
  8. If it waited an hour. Ask it what it fears might happen if the message waited one hour. Give it time to answer.
  9. Where did its answer point? Sometimes the fear is about now: the fight, the silence, what they will think. Sometimes it points further back, at someone younger inside you who got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  10. Before anything is decided. Keep it company for a few breaths. Breathe a little slower than it wants to, and let it feel you are here and not about to snatch anything away. Nothing to fix just now.
  11. Let it write it here. If the part wants, let it write its message here, in this box. From here it goes nowhere. It can say all of it, the way it wants to, spelling and all.
  12. Now what. Read it back as if you were the one receiving it. Then ask the part, and yourself, what to do next.
  13. How loud is it now? The same scale as the start. A drop is worth noticing. No change is fine too: you have met the part instead of only obeying it.
  14. Before you go. Thank the part that wanted to send, and any part that made room or told you it was frightened. Say you will check in with them again only if you mean it. Then return to the room: your feet, the phone face down, one thing you can see.
  15. Meet the one that keeps stepping in. Fine. This is the part to meet today. Ask it what it fears might go wrong if it gave you some room. Then wait for its answer instead of writing one for it.
  16. Where did its answer point? Sometimes the fear is about now: the fight, the silence, what they will think. Sometimes it points further back, at someone younger inside you who got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  17. Seen, and not today. If someone younger came forward, let it know you saw it and you will not forget it. You are not going to it today. You can leave yourself a note, so you know where to come back to.
  18. Stopping here is fine. If a part will not give you room today, you can stop here. Nothing has failed. Trust takes more than one sitting. If it told you what worries it, you can keep a note of that.
  19. Ask for a little room. Turn to the part that reacted, the scared one or the ashamed one. Ask whether it would make a bit of room for a while, so the part in a hurry can be seen properly. It can stay close. If it fears the message will go out the moment it relaxes, tell it you will not let that happen.