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Things it wants to hear

Keeping in touch with a younger part you have already listened to: ask its guards first, check how you feel toward it, then ask what it would like to hear from you before you say anything. If you want, say it or write it a few lines, only what is true. It ends with where it would like to wait, and a small, regular time to look in on it.

13 steps, drawn from 16 books on IFS.

A walk with a younger part. It starts by asking the parts that guard it, so it goes best once you have met one of them in Getting some room.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. For a part you have listened to. This walk is for a younger part you have already listened to, to keep in touch with it. Its guards come first, and if they say not today, it ends there, kindly. Then you ask what it would like to hear from you. No story is needed. You can stop on any step.
  2. Land first. Sit or lie somewhere you can stay for a few minutes. Notice what holds you up: the seat, the floor under your feet. A slow breath or two may help, or skip it. Your eyes can stay open or rest closed.
  3. Bring it to mind. Bring to mind the younger part you listened to before. Notice where it is, in your body or around it, without going any closer yet.
  4. Ask its guards first. Notice any part standing near the younger one. Ask it: may I spend a few minutes with the one you look after? Tell it you will ask the younger one not to overwhelm you. Then wait for a real answer. Going quiet is not a yes.
  5. How do you feel toward it? Not how the younger one feels: how do you feel toward it? Give the true answer rather than the kind one. It matters because you are the one who talks to it today, not another part.
  6. Just enough. Let the younger one know you are here, if that is true, and notice how it takes that. Ask it not to flood you with its feelings, so you can stay with it, feeling just enough. If it grows too strong, ask it to turn the volume down a little.
  7. What would it like to hear? Before you say anything, ask the younger one: what would you like to hear from me? Then wait, without thinking up an answer for it. It may come as a word, a feeling, an image, or nothing yet. You do not need its story.
  8. Did something come? Whatever came, thank it for letting you know. Then check with yourself: is it something you can say to it and mean?
  9. Tell it, if it is true. Tell the younger one yourself, aloud or in your head. If talking feels strange, write it a few lines instead: what it wished someone had said to it back then. Write only what you mean. Then notice how it takes it in.
  10. Where would it like to wait? Ask the younger one where it would like to be until you come back, and let it choose. Ask it too how it would like you to keep in touch. Then say goodbye for now.
  11. A few minutes, often. Over the next few days and weeks, you could look in on it at a regular time, even for a few minutes. Pick a time you can keep, and promise only that.
  12. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. Louder, quieter or the same are all fine: time with a younger part can stir things up.
  13. Until next time. Thank the younger one for what it let you hear, and the parts that made room or said they were not ready. Tell it you will be back when you said, if that is true. Then feel your feet and look around the room you are in.
  14. Back in the room first. Feel your body in the room you are in, with the walls around you. Breathe slowly for a minute or two, or skip that and look around the room instead. You do not need to go back to the younger one today.
  15. Get to know the one that said not yet. That is fine. Today this part is the one to get to know. Ask it what it fears would happen if you went near the younger one. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  16. Is it willing now? When it has said what it needed to, ask it once more whether you may spend a few minutes with the younger one. Either answer is fine.
  17. Not today is an answer. When a part is not ready, stopping here is fine, and it does not mean you failed. It may need more time before it trusts you near the younger one. Thank the part that said no, and come back another day.
  18. Ask for a little room. Turn to whichever part answered just now. Ask if it would give you a little room for a few minutes, so you can be with the younger one. If it fears the younger one's feelings will be too much, tell it you can ask them not to overwhelm you.