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When worry takes over

For when worry about something coming has the wheel: get a little room from it, notice how you feel toward it, and listen to what it is trying to prepare you for.

13 steps, drawn from 20 books on IFS.

Checked: each step was read against the book passages it rests on, and stays inside them.

Read every step first
  1. This is for the worry itself. This walk-through is for when worry has taken over: about something coming, a test, a talk, a conversation, your health, or a long list of what ifs. It treats the worry as one of your protectors and stays with it. It does not go digging for older hurts underneath. If a younger hurt shows up, you can say hello and come back to it another time. You can stop at any point.
  2. Land first. If it helps, take a few slow breaths, only to arrive in the room you are in. This is not a way of making the worry stop. It can stay as loud as it is. If breathing makes it worse, or does not help, skip it and look around the room instead: your feet on the floor, a few things you can see.
  3. Find where it sits. Turn your attention toward the worry itself rather than the thing it is worried about. Where do you notice it: in your body, or just around it? It might come as a sensation, words, an image or a feeling. Any of those counts.
  4. Say it as a part. Try saying it to yourself another way. Not 'I am so worried', but 'a part of me is worried that...' and then finish the sentence. That small change often makes a little room: there is you, noticing, and there is the worry, being noticed.
  5. Worry often has a job. In this way of working, worry is a part with a job. It often looks ahead and scans for what could go wrong, trying to prepare you, so you are not caught off guard, do not get hurt and do not fail. It may be tired from working so hard. Seeing it this way does not mean every what if is true. It does mean the worry is trying to help.
  6. How do you feel toward the worry? Not how the worry feels. How you feel toward it. When worry is loud, other parts often react to it: some are fed up with it, some are scared of it, some want it gone. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds right, because this answer decides what comes next.
  7. Let it know you see it. Let the worry know, inside, that you can see how hard it is working to get you ready, and maybe how tired it is. You do not have to agree with every what if. Then ask whether there is something it wants you to know, and wait for its answer. Do not answer for it. Being asked, rather than argued with, can feel different to it.
  8. What is it afraid of? Ask it what it fears would happen if it stopped worrying, or eased off even a little. Wait for its answer rather than supplying one.
  9. Where did its answer point? Sometimes a worry's fear is about now: the meeting, the test, the result you are waiting for. Sometimes it points further back, at a younger part of you that got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only one of them is for today.
  10. Could it let you lead? If it feels honest, thank the worry for trying to keep you safe. Then ask whether it would be willing to let you lead into the thing it is worried about, just as an experiment. It can stay close, watch, and warn you if it sees something. It does not have to agree. Notice how it reacts.
  11. How loud is it now? The same scale you used at the start. A drop is worth noticing. No change is fine too: you have spent some time looking at the worry, not only out through it.
  12. Give it a name, if one comes. A name can help you notice it sooner next time, before it pulls you all the way in. Name the part rather than the worry it carries: something like 'the lookout' rather than 'Dread'. Any name will do. If none comes, leave it blank.
  13. Before you go. Thank the worry, and any parts that stepped back or let you know they were afraid. Let them know this was not their last chance: you plan to come back, so only say that if you mean it. Then bring your attention back out. Feel your feet, look around the room you are in, and take a breath or two if that helps.
  14. Get to know the one that keeps stepping in. That is all right. Today, this is the part to get to know, whether it is the worry itself or a part reacting to it. Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it gave you a little room. Then wait for its answer instead of thinking one up.
  15. Seen, and not today. If a younger part showed itself, let it know you noticed it, and that you will not forget about it. You are not going to it today. If you want, make a note to come back to it. That may be plenty for one sitting.
  16. Stopping here is allowed. When a part will not step back, stopping here is fine. It does not mean you are failing: it may take more time for it to trust you. You can use the time that is left to hear what it is worried about.
  17. Ask for a little room. Whatever answered just now, the worry itself or a part reacting to it, see if it would give you a little room, just for a few minutes, so you can get to know the worry. It does not have to leave. If a part is scared the worry will take over, let it know you will not let that happen.