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Walks ยท one sitting, about 12 min

The part that says yes first

For the people-pleasing part in your relationships, the one that agrees before you have thought: meet it as a protector, hear what it watches for in other people, and find a line you could say for it next time.

14 steps, drawn from 17 books on IFS.

A draft: every passage it quotes is in its book, but its own wording has not yet been checked against them.

Read every step first
  1. For the quick yes. This is for the yes that leaves your mouth before you have checked with yourself. The extra shift. The favour. 'No, honestly, it's fine.' The part behind it is usually fast, kind and tired. Here you meet it as a protector. Nobody is going to train you out of saying yes, and you can stop whenever you want.
  2. Shoulders down. Let your shoulders come down from your ears, if that is where they are. A few slow breaths, if they help. If they do not, rest your eyes on something plain in the room, a wall or a mug, and let that be enough. If the breathing does not help today, skip it.
  3. A yes you did not quite mean. Think of a recent yes you did not quite mean. Who asked, and what did you agree to? Small and recent works best.
  4. Half a second before. Slow the moment down to the half second before the yes. What happens in you there? A lift in the voice, a smile switching on, a catch in the throat? Where is the part that answered?
  5. Your feeling toward it. Toward the part that says yes, not toward the person who asked. Answer with what is true rather than what sounds kind, because this answer decides what comes next.
  6. What it reads in faces. Ask it what it watches for in other people. What does it see in a face or a message that you might miss? Wait, and let it show you.
  7. If a no came out. Ask it what it fears might happen if a no came out instead. Or only a 'let me think about it'. Give it time.
  8. Where did its answer point? Sometimes the fear is about now: the friendship, the family dinner, a colleague going cold. Sometimes it points further back, at someone younger inside you who got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  9. Its turn to be looked after. Stay with it a while and ask it nothing. This part spends its days minding other people's comfort. Let it have a turn. Just your attention resting on it, and a slower breath toward where it sits, if that comes easily.
  10. It has kept a lot of rooms calm. If you mean it, thank it. It has smoothed over a lot of evenings. See how it takes that.
  11. A line for next time. Next time someone asks, could you speak for this part instead of letting it answer for you? Write one line you could really say. It can be short and a bit clumsy. For example: 'I've got a part that's itching to say yes on the spot. Can I come back to you tomorrow?'
  12. Ask the part about it. Read your line to the part. Ask whether it would let you try it once, as an experiment, with it close by.
  13. How loud is it now? Same scale as the start. Any drop is worth noticing. None is fine too: you have spent the time with the yes part rather than inside it.
  14. Before you go. Thank the part that says yes, and any part that made room or told you it was scared. Tell them you will check in again only if you plan to. Then return to the room: the floor under your feet, the light, a sound from outside.
  15. Meet the one that keeps stepping in. Fine. This is the part to meet today. Ask it what it fears might go wrong if it gave you some room. Then wait for its answer instead of writing one for it.
  16. Where did its answer point? Sometimes the fear is about now: the friendship, the family dinner, a colleague going cold. Sometimes it points further back, at someone younger inside you who got hurt and still carries it. Both are worth knowing. Only the first is for today.
  17. Seen, and not today. If someone younger came forward, let it know you saw it and you will not forget it. You are not going to it today. You can leave yourself a note, so you know where to come back to.
  18. Stopping here is fine. If a part will not give you room today, you can stop here. Nothing has failed. Trust takes more than one sitting. If it told you what worries it, you can keep a note of that.
  19. Ask for a little room. Turn to the part that reacted, the frustrated or embarrassed one. Ask whether it would make a bit of room, only for a while, so the one that says yes can be seen properly. It can stay close. If it fears the yes part will get its way for good, tell it you will not let that happen.